fredag 27 juni 2008

Tänk att denna dagen skulle komma

Jag insåg inte att när jag skrev mitt förra inlägg, var det mitt avslut på denna blogg. Men allt eftersom dagarna har gått har detta beslut fått fäste.

När jag fick mitt bröstcancerbesked för snart ett år sedan sökte jag i min djupa förtvivlan och i svarta dödstankar efter andra cancerbloggar. Jag hittade då några stycken som jag läste med stort intresse. Jag ville veta hur man mår när man har cancer. Jag ville veta allt om behandlingar. Jag törstade efter kunskap om hur livet kan vara när man är cancersjuk. Jag hoppade över allt i dessa bloggar som inte handlade om cancer. För mej just då, så var det bara cancer som existerade i mitt liv. En del bloggar grät jag när jag läste. Det slutade inte alltid så bra. Andra gick igenom sina behandlingar och blev friska. Jag fann mycket tröst i dessa bloggar.

Så tog jag beslutet att skapa en egen cancerblogg. Den skulle i mesta möjliga mån handla om cancer. Jag ville inte skriva så mycket om mina andra intressen och vad som hände i mitt liv. Jag ville skriva min blogg på det sättet som jag trodde att andra som just har fått cancerbeskedet kunde finna intresse i. Alltså cancer och inte så mycket annat.

Efter hand utvecklade jag ett annat intresse för cancerbloggar. Jag levde med i dessa personers hela värld. Inte bara cancervärlden. Det blev som min egen lilla familj. Det har jag ju skrivit om innan. Hur mycket dessa personer (ni) har betytt och betyder för mej.

Sedan fann jag att bloggandet var ett alldeles utmärkt verktyg att använda för att får ur mej oro smärta och sorg. Stödet jag har fått har betytt så mycket att jag har svårt att sätta ord på det.

Lite sorgligt känns nu detta beslut. Lite otäckt också. Detta har ju varit ett av mina sätt att handskas med verkligheten runt min sjukdom.
Jag är inte rädd för återfall. Däremot så lever jag med hotet som realitet. Det KAN hända. Jag tänker leva mitt liv som om det vore en omöjlighet. Jag har gått igenom en tuff behandling. Jag har ingen cancer längre. Då tänker jag också leva som om cancern vore borta för alltid. Tankar runt cancern kommer ofta men de finns inte där 24 timmar om dygnet längre. Livet går faktiskt vidare. Om den dagen skulle komma och jag får ett eventuellt återfall då är det så, och då får jag ta nya tag i allt runt omkring sjukdomen. Nu ska jag leva!
Skulle det som inte får ske, ske. Då återuppstår denna blogg. Därför låter jag den ligga kvar.

Eftersom jag älskar att skriva så finns tankarna på att starta en ny blogg med ett annat innehåll. Vet inte just nu hur den bloggen ska komma att se ut. När behovet uppstår igen så kommer ideérna.

Jag vill tacka er alla som har följt mej på denna resa. Stort tack till er! Till "mina" andra bloggande Bc-systrar, som nästan alla är färdiga med sina behandlingar, vill jag säja. Skit nu cancern på näsan;=) Nu börjar resten av våra liv. Nu har det varit elände så det räcker. Nu sträcker vi på oss och lever i stora mått.

Jag blir glad om denna blogg kan vara till någon nytta för nydiagnostiserade bröstsystrar. Hoppas ni finner lika mycket stöd i denna bloggen som jag har funnit i andra kämpande cancersystrars bloggar.
Skulle någon av någon anledning vilja kontakta mej så går det bra att mejla mej via länken som finns, om man klickar på,"Om mej". Längst ner till vänster på sidan.

Lev!
Bara för idag.
Gårdagen är förbrukad.
Om morgondagen vet du intet.

I am Bea today.
I was Bea yesterday.
And in the future i´m going to be Bea

(Tack till Tisavännen som skapade mitt alldeles egna motto)


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